Loneliness and How God Designed Us

How many of us have ever felt lonely? Maybe you are going through a season of loneliness and crave community that is real and genuine. Did you know we were created for community? God created us to live in relationship with Him and He created us to have burden-carrying, edifying, forgiving, loving, truth-telling relationships with others. We were designed to share life with people, especially others who are followers of Jesus.

In fact, when we rest our faith in Jesus, we are adopted as a son or daughter into God's family. The Bible illustrates being in God's family like being part of a body, whose head is Jesus. Every part of the body is essential. None of us can say to another part, I have no need for you.

Did you catch that? If you belong to Jesus, you are a necessary part of His body of believers!

We need each other.

As I was thinking through this recently, I read Hebrews 10:23-25 a:

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together..."

The part that caught my attention was, "Consider how to stir up."

The word consider is katanoeō and it means to observe fully, discover, and understand.

The word stir is paroxysmos and it means to provoke or incite toward good.

If we are called as children of God, members of one body, to observe, discover, and understand how to incite each other toward good, we need to know each other. The only way to truly get to know someone is by spending time with that person. Time with each other is essential.

A study on loneliness done in 2020 discovered that "Social media use was tied to loneliness as well, with 73% of very heavy social media users considered lonely, as compared with 52% of light users." The study also revealed that "Gen Z — people who were 18 to 22 years old when surveyed — had the highest average loneliness score..." (npr.org)

Another study reported in 2022 that "even the most connected people, with seemingly robust social lives and networks, can be quite lonely. It's more about the quality of our relationships, experts say." (axios.com) and a study conducted by Harvard, "suggests that 36% of all Americans—including 61% of young adults and 51% of mothers with young children—feel “serious loneliness.” (https://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/reports/loneliness-in-america)

Studies have unveiled some significant ties between certain factors and loneliness. One of these factors is the use of social media. Before I continue, I want you to know that I do not view social media as an evil thing. I have social media accounts and I think there are benefits to having and using social media, depending on how you use it. In fact, I have gleaned a lot of helpful how-to's, creative solutions, and even theological insight from the people I follow, as well as receiving updates on family members and friends who I don't get to see in person very often.

But there is a whole generation worldwide who has grown up with social media and for many, it is their main source of connectivity. Social media provides the opportunity to "connect" with people from all over the world. It offers the option of inviting everyone and anyone into your "friend" circle. Yet, studies are revealing an increase in loneliness connected to social media use. Social media, if we are not cautious, can deceive us. It can lure us into thinking connection with people is simply pressing a like button, seeing pictures of their lives, or reading posts.

I think what experts are discovering is what God's word already tells us. Genuine community is more complex and moves way beyond the facade of perfect snapshots and sound bites, beyond thumbs-ups and hearts, and beyond learning from others via a screen.

Genuine community takes time.

Time spent face to face.

Time listening.

Time asking questions.

Time discussing differences and learning from each other.

Time weeping, laughing, and praying together.

Time bearing each other's burdens.

To consider how to stir each other up to love and good works, we need to spend time together.

We need to understand how each other thinks, what we struggle with, what we are passionate about, and what motivates us. Genuine community isn't as "easy" as social media, but it was designed to be far more fulfilling.

Proverbs 27:17 states:

"Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another."

The word sharpens is hadad and means to make sharp or keen (highly developed sense).

Matthew Henry comments:

"Wise and profitable discourse sharpens men's wits; and those that have ever so much knowledge may by conference have something added to them. Men are filed, made smooth and bright and fit for business by conversation...This (above verse) is designed to direct us what we must have in our eye in conversation, namely to improve both others and ourselves, not to pass time or banter one another but to provoke one another to love and good works and so to make one another wiser and better."

One of the reasons God designed us to be in relationships with others is so we would help each other become wiser and better human beings, who depend on Jesus and whose affection for Him surpasses anything else. He created us for community so we could learn how to love people God's way and learn how to do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God. (Micah 6:8)

David Guzik and Walte comment:

"A man can be used to sharpen (improve and develop) his friend, but it may happen through a bit of friction and sparks."/"The analogy infers that the friend persists and does not shy away from critical, constructive criticism."

There is an aspect of community that can be uncomfortable. Rubbing up against people in the body of Christ who are not like us and people who we wouldn't naturally choose to be friends with, let alone brothers and sisters in Christ, can be exceptionally challenging. But this is God's design. He didn't design us to primarily have friendship via screens where with a click of a button we declare "unfriended or unfollowed" to those we disagree with or who disagree with us. God didn't design us to primarily have friendship via screens where we only present the good parts of our lives and hide the rest. The danger of depending on social media as a primary source of connection and friendship is we begin to react to people in real life like this. Instead of persisting in relationships with people who we may disagree with, we cut out everyone who doesn't think the way we think, do the things we do, or enjoy the things we enjoy, and we hide our struggles, failures, and weaknesses from others. This increases loneliness because we aren't truly known by others and we miss out on the value of being sharpened by a friend, brother, or sister in Christ and being used by God to sharpen others.

In His infinite wisdom, God knows that a body made up of all different people with varying personalities and capabilities has the potential in and through HIm to be a benefit both to those who are part of the body and to those who are not yet part of the body of Christ. Being part of a community, we must learn how to forgive, speak the truth in love, and like Hebrews 10:24 says, "provoke each other to love and good works." In Christ, there is no condemnation. We are free to be transparent and honest with each other about our struggles, failures, and weaknesses because we serve a loving, forgiving God, who we can approach together to find help and strength in times of need. When the body of Christ is functioning like this, it is winsome to those who have not yet rested their faith in Jesus, and God is glorified.

I want to encourage you today.

If you are struggling with loneliness and want to find authentic community, start with prayer.

~Pray that in your loneliness you wouldn't neglect your relationship with your heavenly Father, but rather, that you would cultivate it, rely on it, and treasure it. Our relationship with Him is the most valuable and essential relationship we could ever have. We belong to Him and His desire is for us (Song of Songs 7:10). He is someone we can talk to any time of day or night, He will never forsake us, and He is always working for our good.

~Pray that God would provide a friend who you can be vulnerable and honest with, especially If you have been hurt and are scared to open yourself up to people again.

~Pray that God would provide a friend to whom you can confess and who will approach your heavenly Father with you in times of need, and pray that you would be that kind of friend as well.

~Pray, if you are a mom with young children and it is difficult for you to find time to connect with friends, that God would provide a friend who is willing to come over and help hold a baby while you sleep, cook dinner for the family, and sit, have a cup of coffee, and talk amidst the chaos of toddler toys.

~If you are an extrovert and you are reading this, pray that God would point you toward someone who is lonely, so you can reach out and take steps toward developing a friendship with that person.

~If you are feeling kind of lonely because all of your relationships feel difficult and especially draining right now, pray that God would help you persist in those relationships and use them to sharpen you. Pray that He would cultivate compassion in your heart to meet them where they are at, so you can help sharpen them too.

I believe our heavenly Father will answer our prayers and provide. Why?

because He values real relationships and He has commanded us to love each other the same way He has and continues to love us (John 15:12). Romans 12:9 a, 10 states, "Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other." and 1 John 3:18 says, "let's not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions."

I want to encourage all of us, myself included, to move beyond the thumbs-ups and tapping of hearts into real relationships, and live in genuine community, so we can learn and grow in our ability to show love and genuine affection through our actions.

Sincerely,

Amy